Trickle-Down Economics Part III

So, this is the last I heard from him, you know, after I asked for clarification....

Dear Andrew,
Thank you for contacting me. I hope you will pardon my delay in responding to you.
I appreciate your continuing interest in Congressional salaries. You raised several important points in your letter. Please be assured that I will continue to study this important issue and will keep your views in mind as it is debated in the Senate.
Again, I apologize for my delay in getting back to you. Please keep in touch and continue to keep me informed of your views and concerns.

Please do not reply to this email. To contact me, please log on to my website at http://harkin.senate.gov/.

Ultimately, I never really expected to hear much, if anything, worthwhile from him. The issue for me is not that neither Grassley nor Harkin turned down their bonuses, but rather - doing so would have been such an easy PR lay-up.

I mean, come on.... Neither of those two needs 5 grand. They both could have turned it down and said "Hey! Look at me! Aren't I a stellar Senator?! Since we all need to think a little bit harder about where our money goes and what we do with it these days, I'm leading the way by not accepting 5 grand from the American people, given that it's a pittance against my net worth anyway. Peace, I'm out. Bitches."

Actually, it's not that neither of them "needs" 5 thousand dollars, everybody needs 5 grand and it's unfair for me to claim they don't. It's that turning down a 5 thousand dollar bonus would have bought them 10 times that amount in public confidence, campaign contributions, and votes down the road, and they should have people working for them to tell them that, since neither one seems to have a clue about it.

SOooo... I guess that's that. Next time you go to the polls, think about your politicians and what they do for you, or do to you as the case may be. Which is ignore legitimate qestions. And use your money to hire fucking boneheads who don't look out for their political best interest, or yours.

Dumbasses.

Trickle-Down Economics Part II

So, when I last left you, I was awaiting my reply from Senator Harkin. He finally got back to me.

This is what he had to say.

Dear Andrew:

Thank you for contacting me. I am always glad to hear from you.

I appreciate hearing your views on the salaries of Members of Congress.

As you may know, the current system for setting Congressional pay increases was created in the 1989 Ethics Reform Act. The legislation provides for an automatic pay raise unless Congress votes to stop it. Since then, Congress has voted against pay raises 6 times.

In the past, I have joined with my Senate colleagues to stop pay increases. In addition, I supported enactment of the 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prevents Congress from giving itself a pay raise. Any raise would only take effect after an election.

Finally, in our nation's current economic climate, it is painfully clear to me that Americans across the country are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. In this time of economic difficulty, the economic well being of Iowans and all Americans is my top priority. In the 111th Congress, I will continue to push hard for a substantial economic stimulus measure to create jobs immediately and begin rebuilding our nation's eroding infrastructure. Rest assured that I will continue to push for Congressional action to ease the economic hardships Iowans are facing by expanding healthcare, improving education, and stimulating the economy.

Again, thanks for sharing your views with me. Please don't hesitate to let me know how you feel on any issue that concerns you.

Sincerely,

Tom Harkin
United States Senator

Since he said I shouldn't hesitate, I hastily replied..................

Dear Senator Harkin,

Thank you for your response to my 3/11/2009 inquiry regarding your salary increase. Unfortunately, there seems to have been some misunderstanding with respect to the nature of my question.

In a nutshell, I asked you to please provide a rationale, given the economic difficulties we are facing locally and nationally, the reason for accepting the 2.7% increase.

To which you responded:
"As you may know, the current system for setting Congressional pay increases was created in the 1989 Ethics Reform Act. The legislation provides for an automatic pay raise unless Congress votes to stop it."

You continue by illuminating the point that congress has blocked its pay raise 6 times in the past 20 years.

As a Senator, I'm sure you're aware of your option to turn down your automatic salary increase, as some Senators do when they feel accepting it might be ill advised, or perhaps in politically poor taste.

I'm particularly curious to hear your rationale in light of your request for AIG bonus recipients to return the bonus portions of their salaries. I realize these two issues may seem different at first blush, but it seems to me they both hover at the fringes of what one might call "responsible action," or something like that. Which is to say, the responsible or ethical thing for AIG to do would be to return the bonus money. Of course one could argue that AIG was contractually bound to give out those bonuses, much as you point out that Congress must vote against (rather than for) their automatic salary increase, which is to say, - your pay increase (or at least the structure of it) is written into your contract.

If you could please comment on the following specific concern:

- Why, as your constituents across a broad spectrum tighten their economic belts via budgeting, salary freezes and layoffs, do you feel accepting a $4700 raise (you personally had the option to turn down) was the commendable thing to do?

If you could please phrase your response in terms of "leadership" and "ethical responsibility" I would be grateful.

The point of my concern here is not to harass you about accepting a 2.7% raise; far from it. I believe people should be compensated for their time, effort, and in your case valuable public service. The issue for me, is that this seems to be a less-than shining example of the level of leadership and ethical responsibility we've come to expect from you. I would like you to please tell me I misunderstand the issue somehow. I am even willing to simply accept your answer while potentially disagreeing with the rationale. The unsettling part about that however, is that I'm not sure I understand what the proposition is that I'd be disagreeing with. I guess something along the lines of "accepting my Jan. 2009 $4700 salary increase displayed a level of civic responsibility and leadership, as a Senator, I am comfortable with."

I'm not sure that looks or sounds very good, at least not coming from my Senator.

Again, thank you for your years of service to the state and people of Iowa. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Andrew Cantine

Stay tuned for tomorrow's exciting next installment of Senator Harkin's Inspirational Words of Wisdom!

Trickle-Down Economics

I've been thinking of different ways to post the following, none of them seem quite right, so instead of hemming and hawing further I've decided to just go ahead with it.

At the beginning of this year US senators accepted a seemingly small 2.7% salary increase, but it translates into just about 5 grand. Another way to think about $5000 is that it represents a little less than one third of a family's income if they fall below Iowa's $18,300 poverty line (as a side note, the Federal poverty line is about $20,000, so that means Iowans start paying income taxes $2000 before the rest of the nation. Just saying).

All this is going on at the same time the proverbial economic shit was hitting the fan. Thankfully, I experienced little immediate fallout from said economic crisis, but as an ostensible state employee and as shit is wont to do, eventually it trickled down the hill to me. This I believe, as the title to this post may reflect, is the real definition of trickle-down economics.

Like I was saying, eventually the state's budget crisis came knocking at my door wearing a salary-freeze colored dress. We went out. Needless to say, it was a cheap date. Ba-dump, *ting*! Anyway, I was fine with that. The University froze salaries across the board, even for people like me who are paid out of a grant (thus the $ is there regardless of how the University's budget is faring), which I think is a good thing for solidarity among employees; you know, three musketeers style and such, yada yada, so on and so forth. Besides, regardless if I agreed or not it was something that was going to happen.

Enter: The News.

So, a few months ago I happened to be reading the paper and I read a teeny-tiny blurb about US senators accepting a nearly a $5000 salary increase at the beginning of 2009. *Breaks screech* This increase was automatic, BUT- though it was written into their contracts, it was something (as individuals) they had the right to turn down, and some did. Apparently it left a bad taste in some of their mouths to accept $5000 as people in their respective states were struggling to make ends meet. As you may guess, I think that was the right thing to do. Good for them.

So, I got to wondering: What did Grassley and Harkin do?

Keep in mind, this is happening at the same time Harkin was calling for the AIG employees to give back their bonuses or have them be taxed into oblivion (never mind the unconstitutionality). Also the same time our knight errant Sir Charles Grassley was calling for other CEOs to take the high road and honorably fall on their own swords. Hooray! Big Talk from little ol' Iowa!

So I wrote them both a letter asking about it. Grassley never even responded, while Harkin took the time to send me two, how shall I say, very personal messages.

Just kidding.

They weren't personal.

They were bullshit.

So that will be the substance of the next few posts this week, my online correspondence with the Tom Harkin.

What a douche.

As a contextual note, I phrased my letter as one state employee to another, rather than pulling at his "impoverished Iowan" heart-strings. I thought he might give me more of a straight-forward answer rather than immediately thinking I was the left leaning loony-toon I am. I hate to spoil the suspense, but it didn't work.

Here's the first one:

Dear Senator Harkin,

I’m curious as to whether or not you accepted the $4,700 pay increase in January, 2009. The information I’ve found on-line indicates you did. If this is true, can you please justify for me how you can accept a 2.75% cost of living increase while other state employees have had their salaries frozen, or in some cases turned down their proposed salary increases, as I understand you had the opportunity to do? For instance, a 2.75% increase in my salary (I work for the University of Iowa and my salary is frozen) would translate into about $880, or roughly ¾ of one month’s paycheck. Given our current economic climate, I don’t think the proposition that $880 (well…say $650 after taxes) in my pocket is quite a bit dearer than the same 2.75% increase in yours would be a particularly difficult argument to make.

I’m hoping the information I’ve found on-line is wrong. I hope both you and Senator Grassley (I’ve sent the same letter to him) turned down your pay increases when you had the opportunity to do so. Please let me know at your earliest convenience. Thank you for your service to the State of Iowa.

Andrew Cantine
Iowa City, IA

Stay tuned for the exciting next installment!

Photo / Sculpture Complete!

Howdy!

Finally, the photo project is done! It seems like this has been taking ages and ages, and I guess it has, sort of.

I had a friend with a woodshop help me with the construction, it would have been a real pain in the ass to drill all the way through those stumps without a drill press. Like.... impossible to the f-bomb max.

The stumps are Russian Olive and the boards backing the photos are Poplar. I wish you could see more of the Poplar actually, it gets really great purple and green tones in it. Anyhoo, it looks totally badass next to the polished-up end grain of the Olive. Totally. The rest of the armatures are steel, also drilled with drill press.

Very handy, that drill press.

When I first put them up I hadn't backed the photos with foam-core. I also used, what I thought to be pretty nifty at the time, but have since changed my mind -sort of, it's still pretty cool- this transferable adhesive stuff. Whew, that was a little long-winded, no? SOOOOoooo I put the adhesive on the packs of the photos, everything looked great, placed it up in the window and everything looked groovy.

Until later that night, when the photos started to fall off the Poplar.

I was so pleased.

You can hardly imagine.

By Saturday night they had all fallen off, which I didn't find out about until it was too late to do anything about it until Monday. So I took the morning off work, used a stronger spray adhesive, slapped that shit up on the foam-core and Elmer's glued (can that be a verb?) the foam-core to the Poplar.

Worked like a charm.

Sort of.

Mostly.

We'll see.

The problem is, the window/room at University Camera gets to be about 120 degrees Fahrenheit in the sun during the day. I didn't know about that until after I'd put the photos up, and that's also the reason the first adhesive didn't work, it was just too hot. Anyway, I think the spray adhesive will hold for the most part.

It god damn well better.

Also on the plus side, while I was installing it the editor for the Little Village asked me if I wanted to do a photo essay. So that's pretty sweet. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I have a few ideas.

At any rate, there are a few pics of the display and the photos I used below. FOr better quality images you can find these on my Flickr page too.

So that's the jam.

It's the Economy.... And Everything, You Know?

I used to like my credit card company, until they sent me a notice, out of the blue, saying they were increasing rates across the board by 50 percent.

...... ok.... ?

Anyhoo, you had to reply IN WRITING if you wanted to opt out of this change. But if you did, you'd keep your current interest rate, but your card was only good until the expiration date and then the account would be closed.

WTF?

So I called them.

Long story short, I opted out.

Below you'll find the letter I faxed to them yesterday.

What a bunch of dicks.

Andrew Cantine
XXX Burlington St.
Iowa City, IA 52240
Account # XXXX XXXX XXX XXXX

I, the undersigned, wish to opt out of the ridiculous 50% rate increase you are trying to force on your (formerly) loyal customers.


Andrew Cantine


Please pass the following complaint as far up the chain of management as it will go. I do sincerely thank you in advance. –AC


I have (in the few short moments since retiring from the shameful conversation someone allowed a customer service supervisor to have with me) obtained a new credit account from my local credit union, of which I am a member, at a 9.79% APR. As I mentioned briefly, after I spoke with a very helpful tier 1 service representative who ushered me up to level two, I had the near-pleasure of speaking with an F.N.B.O. customer service supervisor, in my desperate attempt to try to find a reasonable excuse to continue doing business with your bank. I was told there was absolutely no one who could resolve this issue for me.

Somewhat alarmingly, she repeatedly cited “The Economy” as the reason F.N.B.O. is increasing their rates by more than 50%. Puzzled, I asked her just what it is about “The Economy” that is forcing F.N.B.O. to do this.

Just to show I’m not harboring any hard feelings, I will spare you the circular reasoning and, though clearly spoken, seemingly random and incoherent batch of words loosely strung together and delivered extemporaneously. Further, it is my happy pleasure to assure you her impromptu exposition of your corporate rationale was delivered using no less than 50% of words I know to be composed entirely within the scope the English language and its associated grammar. I’m almost certain of it. However, I believe the other 50% of words used were either fabricated entirely, or the person talking to me from the other end of the line was eating a sandwich and possibly speaking to me from underwater. I wish I could elaborate more, but beyond somewhat of an academic understanding of the actual words I heard, I could not make heads or tails of the “information” content.

Either way, in future instances when F.N.B.O. decides to give their customers the shaft, it would behoove management to ensure their customer service representatives are adequately equipped to knowledgeably engage the public beyond the catch phrase “The Economy” when posed such pesky questions as:

“Why are you raising my interest rate?”
or
“How is this not a bad deal for me?”

If this complaint could possibly make it into the hands of someone who gives a rat’s ass about how their business is being run I would appreciate it. At least I would want to read it if I were in charge, but then again, I wouldn’t make the decision to totally hose my customers in the first place, so go figure.

Cordially,

Andrew Cantine

The Bloodthirsty Gays!

Welcome to hump day!

It seems appropriate then to mention a little bit about the current uproar over "the gays" and their uppity marriage ideas. Doesn't it?

Get it?

Because it's "hump" day?

Anyway, good for Iowa, or for the judges who think it's unconstitutional to block those totally fabulous gays from gay-marrying each other all over the place. You know, in line at the grocery store, at the car wash, discos, dance galas and various other antique malls and salad bars across the state.

Quite frankly, I can't imagine why anyone with half a brain would be opposed to it, but for some reason, a number of them happen to be Iowa state representatives. Take for instance the fools stroking their raging, anti-gay-marriage boners in the Daily Iowan yesterday, Republicans Kraig Paulsen, Dwayne Alons, Dolores Mertz, Rod A. Roberts, and Paul McKinley.

The hyper-links go to their information and/or contact pages so you can email them if you so choose.

So, this moron McKinley actually allowed himself to be recorded saying (in response to the ruling) " blah blah blah ... and that is why the Iowa legislature should immediately act to pass a constitutional amendment that protects traditional marriage."

Is this guy for real? I mean, does he realize A) Same sex marriage is a reality, B) It's going to be more widespread in the future, especially since prohibiting it is unconstitutional, and C) In light of points A and B he's going to be on the public record for all of eternity sounding like a southern racist during the civil rights era? Nice legacy retard. Your grandchildren will be so proud.

The flabbergasting level of idiocy these people operate on is, well, hard to believe at the very least. I mean, I realize a lot of people are against gay marriage, but you know what, a lot of people used to be against "the blacks" drinking out of the same drinking fountains as white folk too.

I mean, it's practically the same issue. For instance, these retards say things like - they want to "protect" the institution of marriage, or some bullshit.

Do you have any idea what that even means?

I don't.

Know why?

Because it's a propositionally empty sentence. It doesn't mean anything.

It's some completely empty bullshit statement that allows them to avoid saying things like "I jus don't know, and I ain't got nuthin' 'gainst em cause all god's creatures are equal in the eyes of Jesus, but faggots marrying sure don't seem right and I think we should protect marriage."

Protect marriage?

From what?

At least racists and segregationists give/gave reasons, like brown people are dirty, or inferior, or somehow second class citizens, or fabricated some other line of bullshit, but at least they give a reason. You know, something you can argue against. I mean, what the fuck do these people have in mind when they say things like they "want to protect marriage?"

Hopefully something, some kind of meaningful content I don't understand, because otherwise they sound like morons.

It's like saying you want to protect "cheese" from cheddar, or some other ridiculous crap that doesn't make any sense.

I wish someone could please tell me how "the gays" (they're not "gay" people, or even people, just The Gays) are going to destroy marriage?

Are they planning to deploy a secret attack from a remote forest moon, aided by carnivorous Tele-Tubbies in a villainous last-ditch attempt to blow-up marriage?

Are they a rag-tag band of fabulously en-bloused mustache wielding homosexual love commandos?

Perhaps these people are afraid The Gays will seduce otherwise straight but cross-dressing men into marrying them and then .... everybody knows what comes next .... it's Christmas party time at the Jones', somebody has a little too much to drink and the next thing you know it's the Filipino lady-boy surprise over at the mixed nuts table and the neighborhood finds out Trisha is really Trent. Whoop-tee-doo! There goes the neighborhood!

Not even I have any idea what that last bit was about, but it's par for the course I guess, since the rest of what these people have to say is meaningless anyway.

I mean, even this retard Roberts, when presented with polling data from the previous week has the following insight to offer on behalf of his constituents:

“I think anyone that points to a survey or poll at this point or describes this as a partisan issue greatly misreads where the public in Iowa is on this,” said Roberts, and he expects the issue to greatly affect the 2010 elections.

Oh, right.... a poll... like the kind politicians do all the time so they know what to say. A poll that has only 36 percent of Iowans (still, a substantial portion of jackasses) opposed to gay marriage or civil unions, while 25 percent say they endorse gay marriage and 28 percent endorsing some kind of civil union. A paltry 53 percent of the voting public.

Even George Wallace changed his mind about segregation eventually. Granted, he became a born again Christian and had to get shot a paralysis-inducing four times, but you know, some people are a little thick in the head.

The thing is, this opposition to men marrying men, or women marrying women doesn't have anything to do with the institution of marriage. It has to do with people being afraid of homosexuals and whatever it is they think they represent. Whether it's because they feel it's morally wrong, or they disapprove of some perceived lifestyle or whatever, really it's irrelevant, it boils down to the fact that they're essentially racists, except against homosexuals, and most likely due to ignorance or just being some particularly potent flavor of dumbfuck.

I guess for me it just seems like we have a lot of other pressing issues to focus on, you know, rather than the imaginary havoc The Bloodthirsty Gays will wreck upon the sacred institution of marriage. I just can't wrap my brain around around the rationale these people use, or lack thereof, I guess seems more appropriate.

I mean, seriously.... I wish someone could give me a legitimate reason why the state should have anything to do with deciding who gets to marry who based on race, creed, or sexual orientation, or any reason at all for that matter.

You know, like a reason that doesn't resort to something in the bible or someone's perception of what God thinks. Because frankly, either way you slice it the cheese stinks. On the one hand you have people thinking they know what God thinks, which is awfully presumptuous, or on the other you have people making an appeal to rationality, the focus of which is to create a law barring same-sex marriage, based on a belief in magic.

Real nice, folks.

Keep up the good work.

Vomit?

OK okokokokokokokok....... ok.

~ deep breath ~

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

For real.

I just found the LARGEST hair-wad I have ever seen outside of a bathtub...

..... . . . .. . . . . .. ... . UNDERNEATH MY FUCKING SANDWICH.

Ya.

I just got a bagel sandie from Brueggers...... . . .. no big deal right?

wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. Capital W, uppercase fucking gross me out with a radioactive bowling ball on-top WRONG.

I even took a picture, but it was making me gag just looking at it, I don't know if I can actually go through with posting it.

Just kidding. I will.

Understand here, dear reader, I am not easily brought to heel via Nature's "gag reflex." I eat things I drop on the ground, take pictures of roadkill, hell, I can even deal with a hair on my food. The operative article here is "a," as in "solo," "singular"... ..... ... uno in the card game Uno.

One.

Not a god damn crusty ring of matted blond hair. Seriously, there were like, 50 hairs in it. It either came out of a hairbrush, or a bathtub, or a fucking Yeti's ass for all I know.

Jesus fucking vomit to the max!

BEHOLD IT!



CLOSER!



I SAID CLOSER! ! ! ! ! ! ! !



ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

In case you missed it:



See?

I told you it was bad. A lot of times, I think, people misunderstand the things I say and take them as hyperbole.

That is a mistake. A deadly mistake.

I mean explicitly everything I say and to the exact degree to which I describe it. So, when I tell you I was choking on my own tongue as it was trying to get out of my throat like a god damn coon hound in a bathtub, you can take it to the GD bank.

..... .. . . ...

So how's your Thursday going?

What's that you say?

Lunchtime?

Oh, HAI!

My B.O. smells like pizza.

The Pagliai's Palace Special to be exact.

This is not a bad thing really, but it does make me hungry.

Remember when Pizza the Hut ate himself in Spaceballs? I feel a little like that right now.

..... ... .. .

Welcome back!

Literally 2 people have commented to me recently regarding the paucity of Physical Challenge posts as of late, and all I can say is ....... suck it, assholes!

I kid, I kid.

You see, in teh internets, and I'll type slowly and clearly here, as I am communicating with you from far, far into the future, all is a timeless wonderland; one where your coffee cake recipe web page from 2001 lurks deep in the memory banks of Google HQ. Then September 11th happened, or you got pregnant, or your PayPal button on Karl's Krazy Koffe Kakes wasn't panning out, or you canceled your subscription to AOL, or you realized no one gives a shit about your great aunt Tammy's four season coffee cobbler and you moved on with you life.

LET ME ASSURE YOU: THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO PHYSICAL CHALLENGE.

I have been very busy with important business matters, some of them pertaining to Physical Challenge itself.

Kinda.

I've been working on a correspondence project with our two (unwitting) State Senators Grassley and Harkin. I've heard back from Harkin, but not Grassley yet, and Harkins response was so lame I had to write him again. All I'm going to say about that is I'll post it here when it's ready.

There's other shit too, but I'm not going to go into that now. Let's move on to more important things.

Economics Nobel laureate Paul Krugman is speaking today (3/27) at 4pm in MacBride auditorium, I'm going to go check that out and so I've decided on a particularly political flavor for today.

First up.....prison! YaY!



Did you know that here in America 1 in every 100 adults in behind bars? That China is 4 times more populous than America and has half as many inmates (not as percentage, just straight number of people)? That the US makes up 5% of the global population but supplies 25% of Earth's prisoners?

That is , to quote Shakespeare, "totally fucked up."

Hmmm..... What happened in 1980?

Well, I'm not a betting man, but if I were I'd guess our prison explosion had something to do with this.

Maybe.

To learn more about prison visit your local library! Or this link to the Herald Tribune! Or rob a bank! Wait, there isn't any money in the banks! ......... ... .. Loiter!

In a similar vein, here's a cool set of maps showing the outcomes of every us presidential election side-by-side. Very cool. (Thanks Factonista!)

Here's something my younger brother and sister should know about me!

Second to lastly, here's a very good, but somewhat long article about our current economic shitstorm from Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi. It's a good overview and he's mad as hell. Good reading.


And lastly, this is how you kick ass.



OK, see? You got your money's worth. Happy Friday!

So, How Was Your Weekend?

Welcome to Friday; the elusive Yeti of the weekday kingdom.

I have a real treat for you today! It's a double header from Physical Challenge correspondent Factonista!

Spring is in the air friends, and that means those pant legs and shirt sleeves we've been sporting all winter are going to start to creep towards our collective mid-sections. Coincidentally, and I mean... like.... "perfect storm" style, police across the nation are twiddling their thumbs looking for shit to do.

Yes, it's true.

Therefore, it is my civic responsibility to pass along this public service awareness campaign, brought to my attention by the afore mentioned Factionista....



Who wears short shorts?

Moving along....

So, last week I mentioned something about the various nut jobs we all work with. Or "are" the nut jobs other people work with in some cases, I guess. Let me take this opportunity to mention I work alone.

The Lone Wolf...

That's what they call me... where I'm from. ... El Lobo Solo de los suenos amoroso.

.. . ......

SOO00oo . .. ... where were we...?

OH, RIGHT!

Sasquatch!

Enjoy!
(Thanks Factonista!)

I work with a Bigfoot hunter.

Yes, you read that correctly. He is 54 years old and spends what appears to be most of his free time and money going on various group and solo expeditions in search of the elusive “North American primate”, the Sasquatch. Let’s call him “Bernie;” he looks kind of like the dead one in Weekend at Bernie’s.

The thing about Bernie is that, initially, he seems like a really intelligent guy. He’s educated, has lots of hobbies, and seems pretty down to earth. Sure, he likes to hang out in my cubicle and jabber on about antique farm machinery or that one time when he got so stoned in Oaxaca he thought his multi-media professor had three arms. The truth is that I worked with this guy for over a year before he called “all aboard” for the crazy train.

Then one Monday morning after Bernie had been on a four day “camping trip” he let all of our co-workers and I know that he had in fact been on a Bigfoot tracking expedition. And that he had personally observed a Bigfoot.

Our interaction went something like this:

Me: Hey, Bernie, how was the camping trip?
Bernie: It was life-altering. Absolutely amazing.
Me: Wow.
Bernie: I observed, for 45 minutes in total darkness, (takes a deep breath) a juvenile Sasquatch. I also heard two adults walking nearby.
Me: Did you say “total darkness”?
Bernie: Yes. The Sasquatch exhibit a phenomenon called “eyeshine”, where their eyes glow in the dark, sort of a blue color.
Me: Wow.
Bernie: It was incredible. We sat there for 45 minutes and watched the little guy looking at us from behind a tree. Then, we could hear two adults walking near us – that’s when we decided to go back to base camp.
Me: Yeah… I need to go heat up my tea.

Bernie began going on lots of expeditions all over Northern Iowa, Michigan and Wisconsin. He was on a big group expedition in the Upper Peninsula when I had my baby and went on maternity leave. This is the email I got from him after I let all my co-workers know the baby had arrived:

“Congratulations! That is great news. Thanks for helping to cover bases for me while I was in the UP. Bigfoot is real. We had a wildly successful expedition. I did not hear or see one directly, but several people did. I did collect data on many artifacts, and I'm going to be the BFRO Iowa investigator.”

I’m not even going to go into the BFRO. Google it.

Apparently, while I was on maternity leave, things sort of escalated and our manager had to be brought into the loop. Bernie was asked to keep his Bigfoot findings on the DL. He’s having trouble complying with this request. A couple of months ago I got an email with some photos attached that were “perfect examples” of the stick structures that the Sasquatch builds. Stick structures are small saplings that are bent and form an arch. I don’t know what causes them, but I know what doesn’t. More recently Bernie described for me in detail, at 8:15 in the morning, what Sasquatch scat looks like. When he came upon the pile of poo in the woods it was still steaming – that’s how close he got.

Bernie got a couple of motion-trigger cameras that he’s been setting up in the woods when he goes tracking. So, we should have some solid proof soon. Should I mention that he also thinks his patio furniture gets re-arranged by poltergeist?

Yes, you read that correctly.

Bikes, Photos, And Skin Care Tips From A Red Head

Happy Thursday Jerks!

So....... what's up?

Just for old time's sake, here's your Physical Challenge Weekend Horoscope! That's right, it's another Crystal Prediction from Andy C!

-You will be spending a lot of time at that skin care place in the Mall this weekend...... buying up sacks upon sacks of different hygienic sauces and regenerative creams for the rash you picked up down at the wharf Friday night.

Just kidding. People aren't really saying that about you.

Yet.

It's a prediction!

OK, enough of that. Here's the cool shit:

First up, wooden bikes!


Apparently, sick of the Dutch soaking up all that sweet, sweet "let's make shit out of wood that has no business being made out of wood, like our shoes" street cred, a German man by the name of Marcus Wallmeyer raised the bar to the next level with this sweet-ass ride:



I'm guessing that's him below. Though I have no idea, because the webpage is in German. For example (and I must warn you here; for your own safety, do not try to pronounce any of the gibberish below in your head. Your face will explode) .....

Marcus Wallmeyer, 32, hat 2006 das Unternehmen Waldmeister gegründet. Für seine Fahrräder, hochwertige Unikate mit einem Rahmen aus heimischen Holzarten, konnte er bereits verschiedene Design-Trophäen einheimsen.

Yes, it's true. Now you know what a cement mixer would sound like if it could talk.



Pretty cool though. I've seen a few wooden bikes before and this is easily the best design. Good werk Klaus, or schnitzel, or whatever the hell your name was. Not that it maters anymore, because we're moving at the speed of ones and zeroes here folks! Were wasting gigalo-bits of time and money just standing around here talking about it! Arghhh! FASTER!

I also thought these (below) were super cool. Since I threw out a prediction up at the top of this column, and given that we're prolly headed for another one, check out these badass photos from the Depression! I threw in the last picture because I know how many of you love photos of chubby little redheads getting shots.

(brief aside: there will be an upcoming Physical Challenge segment called "Ask a Redhead!" in which a chubby little red-headed scamp will field answers to your questions, such as:
Q: Dear Red Head; Why is the sky blue?
A: Good Question! I like freckles!)


Photo by Russell Lee. Jack Whinery and his family, homesteaders,
Pie Town, New Mexico, 1940.


Photo by Alfred T. Palmer. Woman machinist, Douglas Aircraft Company,
Long Beach, California, 1942.


Photo by Jack Delano. Sharecroppers chop cotton on rented land near
White Plains, Greene County, Georgia, 1941.


Photo by John Vachon. Dr. Schreiber of San Augustine giving a typhoid inoculation at a rural school,
San Augustine County, Texas, 1943.

You can find more of these here, at Phot District News. I guess during the Depression, something called the Farm Security Administration (later the Office of War Information) charged its photogaphers with the task of documenting America in its time of trial. I haven't really looked at it yet, but here are some links to Wikipedia for the FSA-OWI.

The entire collection of these images is housed here, by the Library of Congress. The website is a little difficult to navigate..... you browse by subject, then select a geographical area, blah blah blah. Look for the option to switch to gallery mode, otherwise it's all just text and not very interesting to look at and, quite frankly, a little irritating. One would think a bunck of librarians could come up with an easier system of file navigation than whatever the hell they call the shitstorm they use for sorting out their photos now.

Jerks.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Good luck.

You're gonna need it.